Imagine, if you will, a person living alone in a claustrophobic flat with an audio system which never stops playing, a volume control which doesn’t attenuate sound, and a “pause” control which won’t interrupt the tape. It plays no music, only chatter, on-and-on, incessantly, day and night – indifferent to the wishes or needs of its owner.
What I’ve just described is a phenomenon known as negative self-talk – the internal tape which seems to play ceaselessly in our heads 24 hours a day. It keeps us from falling asleep, staying asleep, and in the morning, wakes us too early. When we are not sleeping, it agitates our insecurities and anxieties – often to the point where it disrupts our work, play, and relationships.
Self-talk is largely programmed during our adolescent years by our parents. It becomes so ingrained into the personality that we come to believe it’s who we really are.
Those lucky enough to receive positive reinforcement during their formative years end up with positive self-talk, so they hit the playing field wearing all the right gear.
Those with the kind of programming I received hit the playing field naked and scared. That’s because we were clothed with: “Who do you think you are? Don't be ridiculous. You're not funny. You’re not good enough. What do you want, a medal? What were you thinking? You don’t deserve that. You’ll never amount to anything. You’re an embarrassment.”
Why do children put up with this kind of abuse? Because without parental support, they can’t survive. So, they are caught between being “good kids” – the role they play to insure survival – and being their authentic selves: rambunctious, curious, spontaneous, forthright, frustrated, angry and so on.
This dichotomy creates internal tension which leads to stress, explosive behavior, drug abuse, and disease. It’s why so many teenagers become rebellious, withdrawn, depressed, or evasive, even though they may not know why. These kids have spent so long being a reflection of someone else’s desires, they don’t know who they are anymore.
Courtesy of Pixabay.com/Pezibear.
I became evasive. At 17, I left home to work in another town to make enough money to start college. A year later, when I got comfortable on campus, I also got comfortable in the drug scene.
One evening during an acid trip, I made an astounding discovery. My self-talk voice is not me. It emanates from me, but it's not part of my personality. It just wasn’t in me to degrade anyone else the way this voice degraded me. I decided that if “God is Love,” this voice must be Satan.
You’d think that realization would enable me to stop the negative self-talk, but it didn’t. I’d still wake up with this tape playing in my head, over and over again. Whenever I was in a social situation where I felt insecure, it sabotaged my behavior.
The student in the apartment next to mine had a poster on his wall which read, “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking. – Albert Einstein”
He told me that self-talk stems from the subconscious mind, which is largely a memory bank. If I wanted to change my world, I’d have to change the tape.
After some study, I learned that there are different ways to do this. I did it through simple repetition – in the same way one learns to ride a bicycle, hit a baseball, or play chess.
Anytime negative self-talk, like my stepfather’s excoriations, drifted across my mind, I'd rebuke it like a misbehaving dog, “NO! Enough! Stop it!,” or like an Old Testament prophet, “Get thee behind me Satan!”.
Courtesy of Pixabay.com/JuliusH.
With time, I discovered that if the negative self-talk isn't indulged by the conscious mind, it will eventually atrophy so long as it's replaced immediately with positive self-talk: “I’m more than worthy; of course I deserve a medal; I really am funny; everybody loves me.”
Positive reinforcement will take root only so long as it is expressed in the first person, present tense, and includes no negatives. For example, “I am a winner” as opposed to “Montana will no longer be a loser.”
Although this new program felt foreign initially, with unwavering, consistent repetition, Satan was eventually displaced by the angel on my other shoulder.
On those occasions when real-world experience failed to validate the positive reinforcement, I chalked it up to an aberration and assumed a “fake it till you make it” attitude.
Some of the people close to me didn't appreciate the change because all we had in common was the shared experience of a negative self-image. Some even scoffed at my efforts and attempted to keep me in their camp.
“Those who appreciate what you are trying to do are your real friends,” I was told, “Those who would discourage you must go. All change comes at a cost.”
How strong are the negative tapes instilled through childhood trauma? 58 years after leaving home, they still pop up occasionally and I still have to reprogram them with positive affirmations. This is done most effectively during the mind’s Theta state – as I drift off to sleep or when I wake.
I know several folks my age whose behavior continues to be controlled by negative self-talk. For decades, they obscured it through the distractions of family and careers, but now that they are retired, their damaged self-image has re-emerged. It makes them feel inadequate and handicaps the enjoyment of their golden years.
Some have drifted into a self-destruct mode by means of alcohol, drugs, food, computer games, cell phones, gambling, or other addictions. It's the only time their negative self-talk abates and they feel good about themselves, so to them, addiction is a logical response to suffering…even if the price is self-destruction (then Satan wins).
When they sicken of this counterproductive behavior, I remind them of a quote by Mahatma Gandhi:
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
Header image courtesy of Pixabay.com/Gerd Altmann.
