“To most people, this looks like a living room,” I explained to Diane, “but it’s not; it’s a sound room. There’ll always be large speakers and an audio rack in here, the sound-damping panels on the walls will never be taken down, and there’ll never be a coffee table in the center of the room. You can dress it up any way you like, so long as it doesn’t interfere with the sound.”
She looked around and nodded affirmatively.
We walked out to the garage. “To most people, this looks like a place to park your car. It’s not; this is a motorcycle garage. Its main function is to accommodate motorcycles, motorcycle parts, motorcycle repairs, and motorcycle people. It will never house your Volvo or any other car.”
That didn’t appear to be a problem for her either.
Men like to complain about their wives, but often relationship problems result from their failure to make their boundaries clear. Many women seem to believe that everything is negotiable over time. Men tend to let them pick away at their boundaries because they don’t want to be considered high-handed, but that’s counterproductive. At a certain point, when the tension becomes too great, he explodes and outlines his boundaries like a tyrant. She’s astonished because she had no idea they were that important to him. Afterwards, he feels like a dictator and she feels like a victim, neither of which is true.
Despite the challenges of marriage, committed men are happier than single men. They live longer and healthier. Perhaps evolution has programmed us to live in pairs to ensure the survival of the species because it takes so long to raise our offspring. It seems to take two parents to do it right. Those raised by "a village” often end up in gangs.
Some time ago, my nephew asked me a few questions about marriage. He’d been going out with a girl for about a year and she was hinting that she’d like the relationship to be permanent.
“What’s the rush, Nathan? Everybody has a high school sweetheart, that doesn’t mean you have to marry her.”
“She’s the prettiest girl in the school and everybody likes her, Uncle Jan. I don't want to lose her.”
“A wife can be the greatest asset in your life, or your greatest liability, Nathan. If she ends up being the latter, trust me, you’ll want to lose her no matter how good looking she is.”
“How will I know before I marry her?”
“Your wife has to be more than good looking; she has to be your best friend, someone with whom you feel totally comfortable, with whom you can discuss anything and everything that’s important to you, someone you can trust with your secrets like no one else in the world. I’ve never met a 19-year-old like that.”
“So, we shouldn’t get married?”
“Statistically, most divorces occur about seven years after the wedding, primarily because they married too young. People often change dramatically in their 20s. If they don’t change in the same direction, you end up with two incompatible people who eventually become resentful of one another.
This is not rare; about half of all marriages end in divorce. God help you if there are kids involved because that will infinitely complicate things. Your divided allegiances will tear you apart for the rest of your life, and you’ll forever feel guilty about possibly damaging your kids’ psyches.”
“I’ve seen that. Then everybody’s resentful: the ex, the kids, and the new spouse. I don’t want that. I want a marriage like you and Aunt Di have.”
“I understand that. Next to health, it’s my greatest blessing. But when I was 19, I wanted an education and European travel. My high school girlfriend said she wanted that too, so we married. But after I graduated, she decided she wanted children and I wasn’t ready to settle down. We became discontented with one another and eventually divorced. That’s why I suggest that every guy should wait to get married till after he’s 25 – he'll stand a much better chance of having a permanent relationship.”
“That’s makes sense, I guess.”
“Some of my friends got married early, and it worked out fine for them. They knew they wanted to settle down and have a family when they were young. But that’s not you.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Socrates said, ‘know thyself,’ Nathan. If you don’t know who you are or what you want, marriage isn’t going to get you there. It’s more likely to do the opposite as your family makes demands which you are not ready to accept. That’s why so many married men feel trapped and subconsciously sabotage their marriage. Then their wives feel unappreciated and become resentful. They become estranged from one another, but feel obligated to stay together for the kids. Of course, the kids can feel the tension too.”
“God, I don’t want a marriage like that; two different lives under the same roof.”
“That’s not a marriage, that's a relationship of obligation. I think you need more than that.”
“Six years from now is a long time…?”
“You don’t have to be celibate all that time, go out and have fun. Join some groups, meet people with similar interests. You like bicycling, join a club, go on rides through the mountains, take a flight to some exotic place. The more active you are, the more doors will open up for you.”
As he pondered this, I added, “Let me tell you about my second wife. I was as charmed with her as you are with this girl, and after six months, we married.
It was not a smooth marriage. A year and a half later, we visited the marriage counsellor of her choice. During the second session, it became obvious to me that she didn’t marry me for who I am, she married me for whom she thought she could mold me into. I fear that a lot of women do that, especially the younger ones.”
He nodded his head. “So, what should I look for in a spouse?”
“You want to find someone as much like you as possible in terms of background, experience, values, beliefs, recreational preferences, etc. The only exception is in personality types. If you’re a Type A, you'll want to find a Type B, and vice versa.”
“I’m not familiar with those terms.”
“Type A personalities tend to be goal-oriented, competitive, cerebral, organized, frenetic, and forward-looking. Their Type B counterparts tend to be easygoing, adaptable, agreeable, gregarious, detail-oriented, patient, and inveterate procrastinators.”
“If two Type A’s marry, there’ll be constant fireworks. If two Type B’s marry, they’ll bore each other to death with inaction. When mixed, however, they usually compliment one another’s characteristics. So decide what you are, and find your complement.”
“That’s good advice, uncle Jan; nobody’s ever talked to me that way.”
“Nobody ever talked to me that way either, that’s one of the reasons I made so many blunders. It’s cost me a lot both emotionally and financially. I’m hoping to spare you that grief.”
“So how did you find Aunt Di?”
B. Jan and Di. All images courtesy of the author.
“After my second marriage, I determined never to get married again, but a few year later, I missed the pitter patter of feminine feet around the fireplace. There were lots of available women in the bars, and they were fun to flirt with, but I didn’t want to live with a party girl.
A friend suggested I place an ad in the local ‘alternative’ press – this was before the internet. I perused the personal ads and most read like a purchase order. If a car dealer did the same thing, his ad would read, 'Wanted, customer with a fat down payment, a great credit history, and poor negotiating skills.' How many customers would that draw?
So rather than specify what I was looking for, I decided to print a list of 25 self-descriptive adjectives. When I showed it to the friend who'd recommend the personal ad, he altered some of them for accuracy (the cad). Eventually, I ran it.
I got 51 responses in two weeks, most of them commenting on how refreshingly different and honest the ad was.
I eliminated two thirds of the respondents over the phone; ‘I love cats, I hate motorcycles, I smoke, I enjoy rap.’ ’Sorry, there’s no point in us continuing. I can’t tolerate any of that.’
That left 17 women whom I agreed to see at the place and time of their choice. There were some very interesting candidates. One was a math professor, another was a psychologist, and a third was a dead ringer for the actress Loni Anderson. I wondered why they needed personal ads to find a date.
One that did not stand out was a self-conscious dental office manager named Diane. Over dinner, I decided she was not for me, but she walked me out to my vehicle rather than vice versa. When she saw my motorcycle, she got very excited, said she’d always wanted to ride, and asked for a ride the following Saturday.
She relished the day trip up the coast and inspired me to make it twice as long as I’d planned. It was great to watch her revel in the experience. She bought me lunch at a place overlooking the ocean and shared some personal history. Turns out her upbringing was as difficult as mine.
I so enjoyed her company that day, riding together became our weekend passion. Over time, I dropped the other women because it was more relaxing and enjoyable to spend time with Di.
Several weeks later, when a long weekend rolled around, we rode to a motorcycle rally far up into the Sierra Nevada mountains. We were awakened at 4 a.m. by the trickle of cold water seeping through our sleeping bags. As this was the last day of the rally, we packed up our sopping wet gear in the dark and hit the road at 41 degrees in the rain. It took forever to get out of the mountains and into the Central Valley, where it was a robust 58 degrees in the sunshine. Most of our clothes had dried except for our helmets, boots, and gloves. We stopped at the first truck stop on Highway 99 to subject them to the restroom hand dryers.
‘Are you alright, Di?’ I asked timidly over breakfast. I figured she’d express consternation, as many women might.”
“That was a pretty ride out of the mountains,” she smiled. “I’m looking forward to the next part of the trip.”
“How many women would respond like that, Nathan? As a result of that gracious performance under fire, my impression of her soared.”
“That’s revealing, Uncle Jan. I can see why you were taken with her.”
“Three months afterwards, she had an altercation with her landlord, so I invited her to live with me.
Di quickly commandeered three of the four bedrooms, turning them into a dressing room, a sewing room, and a storage closet, which was fine by me; but I made sure she understood that the living room and the garage would always be my turf. You’ve got to make your boundaries clear from the start.
Initially, she didn’t share my passion for music, although she was impressed with the resolution of my system. ‘I can hear every little detail!’ she’d exclaim.
One day, I came home from a motorcycle ride to hear Shania Twain blasting from the house before I’d even removed my helmet. That told me she was hooked. She came to love my classical music, world music, and ethnic fusion music as well. She still does and we often attend concerts together, including private ones (Di can be seen in the center rear).
“Over 100,000 two-up miles on the motorcycle later, including trips to Canada and Mexico, we decided to get married at a stopover in Vegas on a return trip from Colorado. It seemed like a safe bet after 28 years of living together. As it turned out, making that commitment official seems to have added something special to our relationship.
That was almost seven years ago and I cherish her more every day. I make sure she knows it with frequent words of appreciation, hugs, and impromptu kisses – both in private and in the company of friends.”
